2014 has been a year full of loss, pain, letting go, joy, cherishing loved ones, and being present with God through it all. We lost my father-in-law in February, in May I turned 30, we went on a Carlese family vacation to California with my sister-in-law, her son and visited our cousin, her family, uncle and aunt. We celebrated our 5th year anniversary in Windham, NY and our first daughter turned 1 in August. I took a baby moon vacation alone to Big Sur, CA with my dear friend Helen and lived in a Monastery for a couple days. I gave my first “message” in front of our church during our Christmas Eve service; that was a big milestone for me to do that, because I’m terrified of public speaking. The hardest part of this year was losing my father-in-law to cancer and losing a friend who I thought would be in my life for the long run. We grew apart and I’m sad to say that we also gave up on each other. I wish it wasn’t the case, but I’m learning to respect her boundary. Rejection has been on my mind for the past few months, and I’m learning to live with it knowing that I’m still loved by others and especially by God.
2015 will be another year I expect to be full of hardship, growing pains, and bountiful of joy as we hope to have our second daughter in April by His grace.
This prayer sums up my year, I’m hopeful for new beginnings.
God of history and of my heart,
so much has happened to me during these whirlwind days;
I’ve known death and birth;
I’ve been brave and scared;
I’ve hurt, I’ve helped;
I’ve been honest, I’ve lied;
I’ve destroyed, I’ve created;
I’ve been with people, I’ve been lonely;
I’ve been loyal, I’ve betrayed;
I’ve decided, I’ve waffled;
I’ve laughed and I’ve cried.
You know my frail heart and my frayed history-
and now another day begins.
O God, help me to believe in beginning
and in my beginning again,
no matter how often I’ve failed before.
Help me to make beginnings:
to begin going out of my weary mind into fresh dreams,
daring to make my own bold tracks in the land of now;
to begin forgiving
that I may experience mercy;
to begin questioning the unquestionable
that I may know truth;
to begin disciplining
that I may create beauty;
to begin sacrificing
that I may accomplish justice;
to begin risking
that I may make peace;
to begin loving
that I may realize joy.
Help me to be a beginning for others,
to be a singer to the songless,
a storyteller to the aimless,
a befriender of the friendless;
to become a beginning of hope for the despairing,
of assurance for the doubting,
of reconciliation for the divided;
to become a beginning of freedom for the oppressed,
of comfort for the sorrowing,
of friendship for the forgotten;
to become a beginning of beauty for the forlorn,
of sweetness for the soured,
of gentleness for the angry,
of wholeness for the broken,
of peace for the frightened and violent of the earth.
Help me to believe in beginnings,
to make a beginning,
to be a beginning,
So that I may not grow old,
but grow new
Each day of this wild, amazing life
you call me to live
with the passion of Jesus Christ.
Ted Loder, Guerrillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle